


this is an on fire garbage can

by captainafroelf



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asgardians on Earth, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Humor, I really don't know what this is, Mutual Pining, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), awkward nerds in love or whateva, because i don't give a SHIT about infinity war, i weasel sam into every fucking fic, mutual respect, thank you taika waititi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-19 23:50:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14248488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainafroelf/pseuds/captainafroelf
Summary: yes, this is a thorkyrie fic based on a john mulaney bit, but it gets sadder!





	this is an on fire garbage can

**Author's Note:**

> i really do the dumbest shit, enjoy xx

When the Asgardians arrived on Earth, Thor asked Sam for tips on how to get settled. Initially, he wasn’t quite sure how to answer but, after a week, he returned with a bullet point list written down on a notepad.

  * __Get an apartment__


  * _Get food_


  * _Get furniture_



* * *

 

  1. Get an apartment



The first one seemed like it would be easy enough.

With Heimdall left in charge, the Asgardians were in capable hands while Thor tried convincing Valkyrie and Loki to be his roommates. Loki was reluctant and then outright refused, Valkyrie wasn’t so quick to say no. She seemed surprised that Thor was so surprised that she’d accepted the invitation.

“Who else would I live with?”

Thor blinked. “I just assumed you’d prefer to live alone, or with anyone but me.”

She shook her head and stood on her toes, ruffling his growing hair before walking away, so it was settled then.

They sat down one afternoon and discussed the requirements. Thor quite wanted a pet or two, so that was a priority. Valkyrie was interested in Midgardian bars, although she thought their alcohol was as weak as their men, so living near a bar (or bars) was ideal.

Thor wanted to live outside of Manhattan. Valkyrie didn’t know the city but seemed interested in Brooklyn, markedly less so when Thor happily began musing about some nerd named Steve that he worked with at some point.

In the realm of compromise, they agreed that they would share one bathroom as long as they had two cabinets, and they both wanted access to a rooftop to look up at the stars and talk to the loved ones they’d lost.

They found an agent named Bernadette Scaletti through Tony’s recommendation. She went by Bernie. She looked like a Bernie. She was an impossibly clean cut woman in her mid-fifties, with short blonde hair that’d stayed coiffed and in place since approximately 2003. Her scarf collection was unmatched. She only wore one shade of red lipstick on her thin lips, but wore it well. She introduced herself to them in person with a brief anecdote about selling a place to Colin Farrell and then blushed when describing his “tushy”.

Thor loved her, she reminded him a bit of Frigga after she’d had some mead. Valkyrie hadn’t the slightest idea how to feel, but generally trusted Thor’s judgement on people-- especially Midgardians, which were an entirely new playing field.

Before showing them any apartment, Bernie would pull them aside into a close little huddle a foot from the front door. Valkyrie always got a kick out of how concentrated Thor was during these little “meetings” as if anything Bernie said was a life or death matter. Then again, he had that same concentration whenever she told him anything, maybe he was just that good of a listener.

“Alright, it has one and a half baths, I know you only wanted one but there’s also the half. Is that alright?” asked Bernie, with the gravity of a surgeon before an operation.

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow. “Half of a bath?”

“It’s a bathroom with only a sink and a toilet. No shower or bathtub.” She raised her hand to her chest and waited for them to decide if they wanted to see the apartment. “It’s lovely, otherwise. Big windows, beautifully refurbished kitchen.”

“Could this kitchen house a few extra shelves?” Thor asked, grinning at Val. She was noticeably taken aback by him asking, he was usually not a huge fan of her drinking habit. “It-It doesn’t have to-”

“We like shelves,” she interjected. “Thor likes to entertain, he has so many friends.”

Bernie smiled and gestured for them to follow her. “Oh, I love you two. You know, my nephew has a doll that looks like you used to with the real long hair. You were so cute then.”

Thor looked down and Valkyrie patted his arm. “You’re still cute,” she whispered. His eyes lit up. “ _Sometimes_.”

They followed Bernie inside of the apartment. It had windows that let in lots of sunlight, beautiful wood floors, exposed brick, and the kitchen was, in fact, beautifully refurbished. Valkyrie broke off to roam around as she always did, while Thor listened to Bernie.

“The great thing about this apartment is that is has a lot of space for furniture or... If you have friends with kids... Or kids of your own…”

Thor laughed nervously and turned pink. She did this every time, confidently so. She wanted Thor and Valkyrie to have kids more than anyone else they knew.  “Oh, um, she and I are just friends. That’s why we require two bedrooms.”

Bernie pinched his cheek. “There’s no secrets between us, Thor.”

He laughed louder and grew pinker and gently pulled her hand away from his face. Valkyrie walked back into the room. “Val! What do you think?”

She noticed how red his face was and raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure… There’s a back door, is there a yard behind it?” Bernie smiled and made her way towards the back door. Thor caught up to Valkyrie, who put her hand on his chest. “She mentioned children again, didn’t she?”

“How did you know?”

“You’re blushing like a virgin.”

Bernie stepped back into the apartment with a huge smile on her face. “It’s not really a yard but there’s plenty of room to run around. There’s a few kids outside… If that… _Interests you_ at all…”

Thor and Valkyrie exchanged a look and took one final sweeping glance at the apartment. Valkyrie rested her hands on her hips and imagined what it would look like when it was furnished. They could build shelves to hang their weapons. She’d have a place for her drinks, he’d have a place to host friends. She wondered if he could cook. She never actually thought about it, but now she was picturing him in the kitchen, maybe in an apron, it made her grin.

“I think we’ll take it,” Valkyrie said. She looked up at Thor. “What are you thinking?”

He nodded. “We’ll take it.”

* * *

 

  1. Get food



While Thor had been to Earth several times, he’d never been to a grocery store. He had a vague idea of what foods he liked and wanted to share with Valkyrie, but he had no idea how to navigate the store itself, so he recruited the first human he could find.

And when Bruce said no, Sam was more than happy to step in again.

“First thing we’re getting is meat, because I’m assuming neither of you are vegetarians.” Sam watched the Asgardians blink at him and nodded. “That’s what I thought.”

Thor pushed the cart. Valkyrie eyed it, took a quick swig from her flask and tapped him on the shoulder. “Could I ride in that?” she asked him.

He shrugged. “I don’t see why not.”

She smiled and jumped into the shopping cart. Sam just went with it. He and Thor would hand Valkyrie anything they needed to put in the cart and she’d do it, as Thor wheeled her around.

It was nice to see her so happy. When they first arrived, she was apprehensive. She’d been to so many planets but Earth was unlike all of them. It was the first place where her arrival itself was treated like a spectacle and she wasn’t sure that she liked it.

Then there was the matter of Thor. Thor attracted so much attention. So many people loved him. She didn’t want to slowly find herself a background player in his new life. He was the first person who really believed that she could recover and be a hero again, he was her biggest fan. She didn’t want to admit it, but she needed that more than he knew.

One night, during one of their talks, when she’d had much to drink. She asked him if she’d ever get used to it on Earth. Thor looked her in the eyes and said, “I don’t know, but I couldn’t be happier that you’re here.” That’s when she knew, no matter what happened, her relationship with him wouldn’t change. So she started to loosen up.

The Asgardians got a bit excited in the desserts aisle. Everything looked so colorful and they both wanted to try everything. They ended up with two cartons of ice cream, a container of cupcakes, and a bag of Starbursts (Sam’s recommendation).

While they waited in line, and Sam charmed the cashier, Thor gazed at Valkyrie. He did it often, but he usually didn't let her catch him. She looked up from her Cosmo with slight concern.

“Is there something bizarre on my face?”

“No, I was just thinking…” he said. “This time feels so different from the others.”

“You mean, this time on Earth?” He nodded. “What do you mean?”

His gaze never left her, in fact it lingered. Valkyrie was caught in the realization that Thor was admiring her, and not in the sense she thought he usually did. There was something more, in his eyes, in his voice. The scariest part is that she didn't mind it.

“I'm finally here when I can breathe and just enjoy it,” he said. “No pressure to fight anything.”

“But you love fighting.”

A small smile spread on his face. “Yeah…”

She put her hand over his. “But you deserve to rest, too.”

Thor looked down at their hands and blushed. He somehow managed to almost knock over a rack of magazines that was by his shoulder. Valkyrie rolled her eyes, but she loved it, how flustered he got around her still.

When they got home, they sat on the floor, eating ice cream straight from the cartons with their new spoons. Thor felt very human, relaxed for the first time in a long, long time. Happy.

Happy with _her_.

* * *

 

  1. Get furniture



Valkyrie liked the lights shaped like stars, tied together by strings. At first she thought they were too cute, but now she was looking at them in a new “light”.

 _She would've loved these…_ She thought.

Thor nudged her back and she turned to his grinning face. “You should get those.” She looked at them, then back at him. “You like them, you _deserve_ them, Val.”

They got two packs. One for Valkyrie's room and one for the living room. They still needed bed frames but they were too entranced by the smaller things: lights, fabrics, and rugs. Thor found a pattern that his mother would've loved, and picked a roll for pillowcases. Valkyrie found a few trinkets that would make lovely gifts for Korg.

They still needed bed frames, and mattresses.

They finally got around to the bedroom section after hours of dawdling elsewhere.

Thor needed a big bed, Valkyrie found the biggest bed and laughed. “This is for you and Hulk.”

He shook his head. “Hulk snore.”

“I know. But Thor snore, too.”

She punched his arm. He was scandalized, no one ever told him he snored before. “Was I keeping you awake?”

“No, Thor, I snore too. I didn't mind.” She fell back onto the big bed. “You snore loud but it isn't harsh on the ears, your majesty.”

“Oh. Alright.”

Valkyrie felt herself sink into the mattress, and she closed her eyes. She listened to the families passing through and the 80s synth pop playing from the speakers and thought it wasn't so bad being on Midgard. It might have even been fun.

Humans were strange, certainly. Positively destructive and petty. But they weren't awful. The people, mostly young girls, who came up to Thor were so sweet. Thor always wanted them to meet her, wanted them to see what an Asgardian woman's strength looked like, too. She knew what he was doing, trying to get her to see the hero that he knew her as. Sometimes the gesture would bring tears to her eyes, sometimes it would feel unearned, but it never felt unnecessary.

There was purpose in everything Thor did. Purpose for the greater good. She admired him for it. She loved him for it.

_She loved him._

The realization hit her almost as hard as the feeling of someone heavy joining her on the big bed.

She opened her eyes and Thor was lying there with his hands behind his head.

“I found beds for the both of us, and mattresses. I believe that means we're done here.”

She avoided eye contact when he turned to face her. She knew looking into his eyes would only confirm her feelings, and she wasn't ready for them to be confirmed quite yet. “There isn't anything left on the list?”

He shook his head. “Is something wrong?”

She laughed dryly. “You always know…”

She got off of the bed and walked away. Thor watched her and didn't chase her. Whatever it was, he wasn't what she needed.

The way home was steeped in heavy silence. Valkyrie mulled over everything and Thor agonized internally over what he’d done or said wrong. Sometimes she would get like this, sure. But he thought they were close enough for her to share these things with him, maybe he thought wrong, maybe he was impatient.

They got back to their empty apartment, carried all the new furniture into the living room, and Valkyrie went to the bathroom to breathe. She sat down on the toilet and stared at the door. Thor would be waiting for her to speak to him, he always was. He was the single most dependable man she’d met, always a ready and listening ear.

Damn it, she loved him. It felt like love. Love was such a distant memory, since Hela speared through it and made her watch. But she felt that same twinge of fear with Hela pinned Thor to the balcony, taunting him, ready to make an example of him.

“Don’t die,” she told him. Not like the last one.

She couldn’t handle it. He was too willing to let her in. Everything she touched turned to shit, everything burned in her grasp and he was all too willing to burn if it meant she hurt just a bit less.

She grabbed some toilet paper once she felt the tears start to run down her cheeks. She dabbed them away and decided she needed a drink. She needed a drink. She needed a drink.

She flushed the toilet paper down and got up, ready to rush to her stash of alcohol. As soon as she opened the door, Thor was there holding a bottle. She froze in her tracks.

“You know how I feel about this,” he said. “But it seems like you need it.”

She blinked at him. “So are you just going to enable me now?” She pushed him back. “I should have stayed on Sakaar. If I never met you, I-”

Valkyrie couldn’t finish the sentence. Thor looked far too hurt and she suddenly realized that she had no idea what she would’ve done had he not found her. She would’ve died on Sakaar, drunk, lost, and bitter. She never would have regained her strength.

She pushed him against the wall, letting the bottle fall and shatter against the floor. She kissed him, not even a little hesitant, or soft. Thor felt his heart race and beat against his rib cage, like something wild that was begging to be set free, but he was confused. He put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her away.

“Brunnhilde…” he whispered.

He’d never used her real name before. They both preferred Valkyrie. Of all the names she had, he chose this one at this moment, a moment so crucial and serious.

“What is this?”

“Please… If I say it, it’ll be real.”

“Say what?”

“That I love you.”

Thor looked into her eyes. It wasn’t a joke. It couldn’t have been. She would have been smiling, her eyes would’ve sparkled. This wasn’t a cruel trick, it was real.

“What if I told you that I love you, too?”

The sparkle arrived in her eyes. Valkyrie laughed and rolled her tongue against the inside of her mouth. “I know. You aren’t very subtle.”

They paused, then they laughed. Valkyrie stepped on the shards of the broken bottle and that only made her laugh more. It almost felt like a release.

“I could bring you another bottle.”

Valkyrie nodded. “I could use our new broom to sweep it up…” She arched a brow. “Then we should probably build your bed.”

Thor groaned. “Oh, must we do that tonight?” She crossed her arms. Finally, the light bulb flickered on in Thor’s mind. “We should build my bed.”


End file.
